One Day Until Freedom

It’s Friday evening. Never have I felt the way I have over the past week. With barely any food, I feel very empty. I have always had the ability to plunder the fridge or cupboards for the sustenance I wanted. Without this, there has been a certain lacking within me. And I have perceived that it is not the satisfaction that I desired, but the freedom to satisfy. When my Sunday reprieve comes, however, I feel no fuller. I feel like I have gained nothing. The proportion of craving in my stomach does not decrease, and it leaves me only feeling gorged. And in just a few hours time I am in need again.

At first, not eating did not seem as though it was the solution for this problem. Indeed, it was the opposite. But as I grew closer to the reason I was fasting- experiencing mortality- I found that I no longer longed for the food of the world. I found that my body had accepted the mortality I had forced upon it. The same mortality that Christ felt in the desert and on the cross. I had become one with his suffering.

Then I fell. I took on the flesh once again for the sake of my livelihood. And I tumbled right back into my previous habit of senselessly gorging myself. Guilt and despair along with refreshment flooded my mind. But I lost something. I lost my touch with my own cross. I hope and pray now that I will not stumble again. For the sake of the joy of Easter and your Son’s death, Lord, stay my hand.

The Depth of A Soul

What is a soul? Is it simply another part of one’s invisible being or an entirely alter-dimensional self? Fortunately I can’t answer these questions. But I do know that its existence is the only hard evidence in my own mind that solidifies the belief that these consciences referred to as “you” and “I” are not made only from atoms. Although most of the time I can’t even feel it. It is so hidden beneath my instinctive emotions and indecisive feelings, I don’t even know if it is there anymore. In these moments I feel despair overcome me, and the hope drain out of me. I lose sight of my once noble goals and render them all pointless. My perspective becomes dependent upon the circumstances and people around me. These moments, ironically, seem to come directly after I have just been very happy; but are followed almost immediately by revelation.

Although they are still present, my anger and grief begin to float into the background. The murk in the pool subsides to the bottom after the great storm. I see my reflection. It is immortal. I can see the great span of eternity within it. It is neither the water nor the dirt, but a numinous countenance, although obstructed, unaffected by either of the two physical forms. I can tell that this is no emotion. It is an essence. An element. A consciousness unlocked only by the depth of intricate thought and divine assistance. The water grows clearer. I see not only myself but the sky as well. I see trees. Through this reflection, I see the world behind and above me I never knew existed. And then I understand. This is a soul. Created by none, but formed by and from the Creator Himself. It is you, and God, and nature, and humanity in a single moment. And then it fades. The grime and filth are stirred up by another event within the tangible liquid which claims my attention.

But maybe, someday, I’ll turn around and see the rest of creation clearly for myself, without my feeble body in the way.